


The secular holiday of capitalism

by laughingfrowns



Series: Persona 5 crack from my chaotic brain [1]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Christmas, Christmas Shopping, Fluff and Crack, It will probably be the first of many in my future crackfic collection, M/M, Okay don't judge me for this, Persona 5 Spoilers, Swearing, don't take this seriously i stg, this just came out of my brain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-07
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:02:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27944240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laughingfrowns/pseuds/laughingfrowns
Summary: It's December and things are happening around Akechi that he'd rather not be involved with.
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Kurusu Akira, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Series: Persona 5 crack from my chaotic brain [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047589
Comments: 6
Kudos: 25





	The secular holiday of capitalism

**Author's Note:**

> The holiday crackfic: A GIANT thank you to (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE) because you inspired me to actually… idk…. write something down finally after brooding on it for months???? And while I’m working on my assassin AU, I thought this would be fun to write. It’s all nonsense. I literally just typed in words and did not go back to reread or edit so GOOD LUCK.
> 
> Look, guys, this isn’t going to be good. It just exists, and now you can read it too.

It was the morning of December 10th. Akechi sat at his usual seat at the bar in Leblanc. He sipped away at his coffee, scrolling through some sort of mindless nonsense on his phone as Sojiro busied himself behind the counter. 

“Where’s the kid?” The man grunted as he bent over to stow some dishes away on a low shelf.

“I don’t know.” Akechi mumbled, his gaze not straying from his screen. He raised his coffee to his lips, downing another few gulps to ward away his impending headache. Every post he passed seemed to be one happy couple after another, each wishing their friends and family happiness and peace in their festivities. 

Gross. These people had _friends_. How rude.

One group after another, each decorated with colourful lights, candles, ribbons, plants of a range of varieties. What did people celebrate this time of year, again? Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Bodhi Day, the New Year, the Winter Solstice… and what was the other one? The one with the man who eats all the cookies and commits break-ins and opposite-burglary? Akechi was sure he had made a humorous reference to the odd character at one of his talk show appearances, but the name of the holiday slipped his mind. What was it?

Oh right.

Christmas.

At the moment of his clever revelation at the existence of the common, (mostly) worldwide holiday, a certain fluffy-haired raven bounded down the stairs. He landed at the bottom with a graceful twirl and a flourishing bow.

“Do you celebrate any holidays this time of year, Akira?” Akechi looked up from his phone, in time to catch Akira as he approached the front door.

“Yes, I do.”

“Oh, I didn’t realize you subscribed to any particular-.”

“I don’t. I celebrate capitalism.”

Uhhh. What? As far as Akechi knew, that wasn’t a holiday.

“Capitalism?” He repeated.

“Yes, detective. It’s that bullshit thing about the free market?” The raven shot him a cat-like smirk. “Anyway, shit’s on sale right now, and I’ve got mementos money burning a hole in my pocket. Are you coming or not?”

Akechi gowled wordlessly, but chugged the rest of his coffee and set the mug aside nonetheless. In a moment, he had his coat slipped over his shoulders and a sash tied around his waist. Akira, who had done up the buttons on his own jacket, grabbed a hold of his bare wrist and dragged him out into the snowy outside world.

“So… may I ask where we are going?” Goro questioned as they rounded the corner to the subway station.

“Akiba first.” He answered, before delving into his reasoning. “They’ve got some _wicked_ tech deals on right now, and there was some new Neo Featherman game that Futaba wanted.”

“And why am I coming?”

“Because I like you.”

Great, this was... just... great. Akechi thought this with as much ire and sarcasm as he could muster up, shrinking away from the excessive contact of his vivacious companion. Of course, it actually was pretty great. Akechi was lying to himself, as was his wont, and he could not force himself to admit that he did actually enjoy the obnoxiously persistent affections of his boyfriend.

"And what if I pushed you into the path of an oncoming train?" Akechi pondered aloud.

"You won't, though." Akira snickered, his smile playing at the corners of his steely eyes.

"What if I did?" Goro countered.

"Well," Akira shrugged. "In the unlikely scenario that you decided you wanted me dead and this was the most efficient route to that end.... hmmm..." The raven paused, bringing his hand up to his chin in a mimicry of the brunet's own classic 'thinking pose'. "I'd love you anyway!"

"You're an idiot."

"But I'm _your_ idiot!" The raven booped Goro's nose with his free hand, causing the brunet to bristle and turn his head away for the rest of their trip.

His prickles came down by the time they reached their stop in Akihabara. Goro was always weak to the other's presence, even when he went out of his way to embarrass Goro in public. They shopped for a long time.

Like, a really really long time.

Akechi's feet hurt when they finally stopped at a vending machine. He sunk to the ground, not caring that his pants would get dirty with his attempt to ease the pressure on his aching feet. Why the fuck did he always wear dress shoes? He would be paying for his style in the form of popped blisters for some time now. How rude.

"Okay! We've got that game for Futaba, we picked up the new model of Easy Bake Oven for Yusuke..." Akira muttered as he checked items off his paper list. When did he make that list? Did he have it when they left Leblanc earlier? Goro had no idea - as far as he was concerned, it had just appeared.

Not that it really mattered either way. It wouldn't make the list magic or something.

"... do you think the Easy Bake Oven was a good choice for Yusuke?" Goro regained his focus as Akira finished his musings.

"Yes. It's a cooking implement designed for those with the cooking skills of a child. It suits him perfectly."

"That's mean, Goro."

"Doesn't make it any less factual."

"Even so. Apologize."

"Yusuke isn't even here, Akira."

"I don't care." The raven lifted his hand, forming it into a puppet shape with a mouth. He moved his fingers, expanding and contracting the space between his thumb and pointer finger as though it were a talking mouth. "I'm Yusuke, and you hurt my feelings."

Goro glared at the puppet. Then he glared at Akira. And then he glared at the puppet again.

"You should apologize for saying such mean things about me... waaaaah... waaaaaah... waaaaaah!!!!!" Akira made an exaggerated, high-pitched wailing sound as puppet-Yusuke began to cry.

"Ugh! Fine! I'm sorry!" Goro stomped his foot. "Are you happy now?!"

"Yes." Akira smirked, immediately dropping his hand and ruining the pitiful allusion. He placed several coins into the vending machines and pressed a bunch of random buttons, landing them with two small bags of chips and two sodas. _How_ , exactly, Akira managed to get pairs of chips and drinks as he button-mashed the keys on the machine, Akechi wasn't sure. But he did, and now they both had chips and soda, which was nice.

After finishing their snacks, Akira dragged them back to the train station and onto another line. Akechi simply followed - he understood that there was no point in arguing or questioning, so he allowed himself to be pulled along like a pet on a leash. To his pleasant surprise, they landed in Kichijoji. The covered streets brought a nice change, with twinkling light decorating the walkways and walls to protect from the winter chill. He'd always enjoyed this district, even if he found its regular patrons to be a bit stuffy and uptight.

As a child, he had often found strangers in this area regarding him with scorn. The neighbourhood was walking-distance from his former home in Shinjuku, meaning that as a lonely child he would often wander between the areas. His ratty clothing and airy perfume of second-hand smoke marked him as the "other" despite his best efforts to go unnoticed. It was not until much later, when he had earned the title of the detective prince, that anyone cast him so much as a smile.

Whatever. He didn't want their smiles anyway.

They first stopped at a quaint stationary shop - Akira poked around for a few minutes returning with a leather-bound notebook and stylish pen for Makoto. Further down their path, the raven dragged them into a glasses shop, scoring a sale on a pair of high-tech shades for Ryuji and a frilly pair of sunglasses for Haru. Could sunglasses even _be_ frilly? Goro supposed that, although being frilly implied construction with some sort of soft fabric or lace, that the glasses his boyfriend had picked would be as close as anything could come to fitting that description. The had large, glamourous lenses with a rounded frame and white decals in a pattern reminiscent of paisley. They would suit the heiress just fine.

The sun had already dropped behind the skyline of Kichijoji's mid-rise cityscape by the time Akira had finished ooh-ing and ahh-ing at the various sets of designer glasses. It mottled the sky with pink and purple bruises of dusk.

"What do you have in sight for Ann and Sumire?" Akechi prodded, curiosity at the range of gifts finally surpassing his stubborn will to stay quiet.

"Oh, I already took care of them." The raven responded with a smirk. "I've got a designer makeup kit for Ann - before you say anything about my taste in makeup, she was practically _drooling_ over the advertisement for this exact set in last months fashion publication."

Goro sighed. The last time Akira had purchased makeup, he had tried to convince Goro that it would be a good look for them to dress up in spooky doll costumes for their date at a house party. He insisted upon it being a form of cosplay, before Goro had kindly (and rightly) reminded him that in order for it to be a cosplay, there needed to be underlying source material. According to the raven, Goro was just being a "party-pooper" and "ruining their couple's Halloween costume".

The costumes hadn't been all that bad in the end. Not that Goro would ever be telling that to Akira.

"And Sumire?"

"That's a secret."

Akira winked at him.

After strolling through the streets until the sun had finished setting, the boys found themselves at the humble entrance to Jazz Jin. They nodded to each other in agreement, entering the establishment and making their way to their favourite table.

"Goro," the raven began. "Thank you for coming with me today. I know it was boring and your feet are probably killing you by now, but it was nice to spend the day with you." His boyfriend's demure smile and long eyelashes made Goro's heart flutter. "You've been so busy lately - what with the upcoming election and us Phantom Thieves making Shido so paranoid... but I'm really glad you made time for me. For _us_."

Akira pulled out a box from some hidden pocket in his jacket. Curiosity piqued at the corners of Akechi's mind. Was this a gift? For him?

Where did Akira even find the space in his jacket to store a gift of this size?

Perhaps metaverse magic had transferred over to the real world in some capacity.

"This is for you, Goro." Akira continued. "I wanted to give it to you now... before, you know..." The barista's smile dropped, his eyes still feigning the shape of happiness but the flavour of sorrow.

"Before what?" Akechi started, apprehension bubbling in his chest. What was Akira about to drop on him now?

"Do I have to say it?" Akira frowned, scrunching his forehead. The raven worried at his lip, eyes flitting between him and the wooden tabletop beneath his hands. Akechi could nearly feel the waves of dread washing off of his boyfriend.

Oh. That's what he meant.

"Do you mean my death, scheduled for next week?" Akechi laughed. Akira simply nodded, avoiding the brunet's pointed gaze. "Oh, I rescheduled that until next year. Shido is an impatient bitch but he can wait."

"What? You did?!" The raven perked up, hope brimming in his eyes as he surged forward to grip the lapels of Akechi's jacket.

"Yes, I did." Goro smiled, placing his palm on his lover's cheek. A gentle caress saw tears spilling through the raven's eyelashes.

"I'm so glad. This is the best gift ever, Akechi."

The raven pulled himself out of his reverie with a gasp.

"Wait, if you're not dying, then you have to wait for _this_ ," He picked up the box he had brought and waved it in his hand before tucking it back into his coat, "until everyone else gets their gifts too!"

Despite his small disappointment at no longer being allowed to open the gift he had oh-so-rudely been taunted with, Goro smiled. The pure joy in his lovers gaze was worth the wait.

If it made him this happy, perhaps he would reschedule his death again when the time came next year.

Perhaps he would even reschedule it to Never.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Ooopsie my hand slipped
> 
> Okay so disclaimer I'm horribly socially inept when it comes to understanding holiday traditions and stuff... so I was like "I'm gonna write a holiday fic" and then tried to think of holiday-y things. And drew a blank except for giving people presents. That's always my favourite part of the holiday season, anyway. It's an excuse to indulge in retail therapy without actually feeling bad about it after. Such is the birth of this fic: ode to the consumerist spin on festivity.
> 
> Okay so I LOVE LOVE LOVE those scripts that are written by Bots after being forced to watch hundreds of hours of the same show or read thousands of pages of a book series. They are so absurd. That is the chaotic energy that I hoped to capture here, because honestly, I am just writing the first nonsense that comes to my head in the style of like, my actual serious writing (albeit less polished). 
> 
> I especially love the bot script of a Bob Ross episode. Please.... please look it up if you haven't seen it already in its circulations of the internet. It is pure gold.


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